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have been thinking a lot lately about everything i want for my life and in my life. have been thinking back to when i was a senior in high school & also in my first year of college and i had so many plans for my life. big plans.
“plan a” consisted of moving back east after i finished my interior design degree, preferably to new york, and then working at an interior design company for a little while. eventually, when i wanted to start my family, i would start my own company either back east or out here in the west somewhere. i planned on a life of lots of travel to gather design ideas, eating out every other night, important business meetings, incredible outfits (always including stellar high heels), a blackberry glued to my ear, and perfectly manicured nails matching my perfectly blown out hair, as i raced from one important function to another all while a someone else prepared my meals and cleaned my home. of course, then once that company was booming, i would write a book, go a on public speaking tour and live life happily ever with one home back east and another somewhere fabulously tropical and warm, oh and i was going to do all this while married and having a minimum of five fabulous kids that i would raise sans nanny’s. (i’d hire someone clean my house or even be a personal chef before i’d ever hire a nanny)
yes that was “plan a”. now 7 or so years later, i am on “plan q”, i am so far removed from that initial idea of how my life was going to pan out.
i remember after my first year of college going to judge at utah’s fccla state competition and there was this red headed senior competing with my old high school’s fccla team.
it came up in a conversation that i was the president of fccla my senior year of high school and this kids jaw dropped to the ground. he was positively absolutely shocked. he couldn’t believe i was a former president of the “home ec” club. did i even know how to cook? what about take care of child? did i know anything about home and family?
i told him i planned on having lots of kids and that i am rather good with kids. i will never forget his response:
“i picture you literally eating kids for breakfast and you want kids? i can’t imagine you being in the same room as kids, let alone raising one kid – and you want multiple?!? i worry for the safety of those kids. you chew teenagers and adults up and spit them out regularly and you want kids? really? “
apparently at the time i didn’t appear very kid friendly.
fast forward years down the road to 2008 when i’m married, working as a personal assistant and expecting my first child. i’m talking with some girls at work about how many kids i want to have. i tell them i want 5 to 10 kids. i want a lot of kids. again jaws drop to the ground. they are really surprised i want more than 1 or 2 kids. they just don’t see me as the “kid” type. they see me as the hire a nanny and keep working type. the high heels and suit type. not the spit up and soccer mom type. they really had a hard time grasping the idea of me being a stay at home mom. or even a mom who sometimes stays home.
apparently it is massively shocking to people that i like kids and i want to actually be the one to raise my own. i guess in my mind i’ve always pictured that i really would have it all. i’d have my own company that would allow me to raise my kids sans daycare and nannies. i’d have a wonderfully supportive husband who would encourage me and help me run said company and i’d do it all in great clothes. never mind the spit up because it can be dry cleaned out. all doable right? i could still wear my high heels and have a family.
looking at my life though i see a huge disconnect and that i’ve accepted the agreement that “you can’t have it all”. how many times as woman do we hear that? my life is so different than what was originally envisioned and i have been asking myself, why? why have i given up in so many areas of my life? maybe i don’t really want a lot of kids? or maybe i’m fooling myself thinking i could be my own boss? maybe i really can’t have it all? etc. etc. are all my rationalizations & excuses for letting life idly pass me by.
or i think things like, i want to start a company but i don’t have my degree finished. i want to have more kids, but i have a husband beginning medical school. i want to be more involved in my community but i’m a busy mom. i want to write a book but i’m not a professional on anything – the list goes on and on.
it was brought to my attention recently though that there is something wrong with those sentences and it’s the word “but”. by placing a but in the sentence i am making those two things competing. telling myself it really is impossible to have both. it has to be one or the other. i mean think about it, think about when you really want to do something “but….” do you feel empowered after thinking that? or do you just accept it and say, whatever, i guess i just get what i get. i can’t have both so why try. it’s out of my control…and thus we live lives we aren’t totally fulfilled by all because of a “but…”
it was pointed out, i can change those sentences to “i want to start a company and i don’t have my degree.” by saying “and” instead of “but”, it opens up possibility. it allows for the two to no longer be competing. it’s just a sentence simply stating the facts. it switches my thinking to, “all right, now what options do i have? what can i do with a & b?” instead of “well shoot, guess i’m stuck.” i feel empowered to go after and take action to get what i want. i have the power, i’m not playing the victim to circumstance, or fate, or life, or whatever you want to call it.
now the question is, what do i really want? is it still similar to “plan a” ?
am thinking a lot about this. i have some ideas but nothing for sure yet. i was challenged the two weeks ago by a friend to do something big with my life. encouraged to make bigger problems for myself. to be up to big things. i’ve decided to take this friend up on the challenge. it’s kind of fun to contemplate possibilities again. to not be depressed by what i have been seeing as limitations, but rather to see them for what they are, silly excuses. i’m feeling that fire i had as an 18 years old being lit back up again. it’s truly energizing. will i ever jet set around the world and have a personal chef? probably not? but who knows?
i’d like to think why not? why not shoot for having it all? sure i might fail in some areas, but i might succeed in others? that’s what life is all about, right?
so friends, now i ask, what are you up to in your life? what are you dreaming of accomplishing? do tell…i’d love to hear your comments. i promise i won’t chew you up and spit you out.
ps. i currently have an almost 18 month old and he has not been eaten for breakfast as of yet… here is proof:
the little man
(oh how i love him!)
