motherhood

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the little man is 18 months old this week. i cannot even begin to comprehend how much he has changed during that time. it has all happened much much to quickly. every time i look at him i still can’t believe i am his mom. i am a mom. it’s incredible. most importantly though, it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. words alone cannot describe the impact this little man has had on my life. on our lives. he is a very special little man indeed. 


broc and i were talking a while ago about why we decided to have titan when we did. broc asked me how i knew i wanted to start our family. my only response was “i just knew. i knew it was time. i knew someone was ready to come join our family. i just knew.” i had no other words to describe what i felt. at the time we had so many reasons not to start a family and so many other things we were planning before we began our family, but over the period of a couple days, i just knew. 


even before titan came i felt him tugging on my heartstrings. felt him letting me know it was time and that all the excuses i had were silly. he was ready and so were we. i just need to trust and it would all work out perfectly. trust i did, and literaly nine months later this little man arrived. my pregnancy was pretty generic and overall easy. my labor, a piece of cake. there were little bumps in the road along the way, but truly it did go perfectly and on november 5, 2008 i held this little man in my arms for the very first time. i saw the feet that had been tickling my ribs. the tiny fists that had been making waves across my belly. i saw a healthy, perfect, beautiful little man who instantly opened up a whole new world for me. 


over the last 18 months he has grown leaps and bounds. he talks and walks. he makes monkey noises and says “woof woof” when he see anything with fur. he loves to play patty cake still and giggles every time i write the “t” across his chest. he laughs incessantly whenever we play “rock a bye” and i let him drop every so slightly. he loves to hang upside down – my upside down buddha. 


he knows that we need keys to get into the car. that his diapers are kept in the diaper bag right next to the chocolate. that mommy’s drink is always yummier than dads. he loves strawberries and banana’s. he devours grilled cheese made on wheat. he adores walks in the stroller with mommy and daddy, even cheering us on with his squeals and fist pumps. he knows how to put the cap back on his water bottle and delights in watching his milk spin as it warms up in the microwave. he learned knocking on the door all on his own, always hoping someone will answer. he also learned that everyone is more likely to give into him with an “eh eh?” as he holds his hands out and grins the cutest grin ever seen on a little man. i love that he says “num num” and “bum bum”. i also enjoy watching him sign more when he is ready for more tasty treats. his favorite movie is “horton hears a who” and he’ll gladly dance to any song with a good beat. he’s got some moves! he is a very busy little man. lots to do. lots to see. yet he always takes time to cuddle or give a hug and he greets everyone with a smile that brightens any day. 


when he was first born it was very strongly impressed upon me that he is truly on loan from heaven and that he came at a time when so many people needed him. he was not a mistake. he could not have come any time. he knew when he needed to come and he let me know and i am so glad i listened to those gentle promptings. he has blessed so many people in just these 18 months. it has been no accident that we have been living with my family and especially my grandma, or that we have been living next door to so much of broc’s family. we all needed this little man. 


titan is the greatest blessing to us and to anyone who has a chance to spend more than ten minutes with him. his smile and laugh are contagious and he is so full of love it’s ridiculous. more times than i can count i have sent a prayer up thanking my heavenly father for entrusting me with such a little man as he. one so full of love and happiness and energy. one who is so content and even a fabulous sleeper to boot.


i feel a huge responsibility to continue to nurture these traits he has so naturally and effortlessly. to provide him an environment where he can stay true to who he is. to provide him with a home where love is truly in our walk and our talk. a home where positivity and creativity are abundant. a home where learning takes place daily. a home where we laugh and love and feel the spirit abiding always. a home where we enjoy the daily daily’s and live in the details. a home where he can continue to be our happy little man as he grows into being a not so little man.


with mother’s day being tomorrow, i feel so blessed to be a mother. to have experience these last 18 months. moment by moment. day by day. month by month. to now truly “get” motherhood. i thought i understood before i ever had a child of my own, but over the last 18 months i realize only a mother can truly understand what comes with the title “mama” or “mommy”. other’s can come close, other’s can talk about it, but until you’ve experienced it for yourself you don’t truly understand what it means to have your heart walking around outside of you in the form of this toddler now learning to dip his pizza in ranch without making a mess. 


hearing him giggle as he jumps up and down in his crib after a nap, or feeling his sticky fingers wrap around my neck as his gives me a big wet kiss. those are the best gifts i could ask for on mother’s day. simply being a mother is the greatest gift of all. one day i truly hope to be a mother to many more. i want a house full of kids. full of laughter. full of running footsteps and forts and bouncing balls. full of sticky fingerprints and mashed up banana’s. full of dog earred books and snuggly blankets. full of love.